Well I have all new reasons to make healthier choices now that I'm pregnant again. I've struggled with my weight so much since Q's birth that I know I'll be happier if I manage my weight better this time around. Last time I used being pregnant as an excuse to binge freely. I only gained 37 pounds, not totally awful. But since I'm starting about 15 pounds heavier, I'll probably be healthier and happier if I don't repeat the behavior.

Better Choices

After beating myself during the last post, I resolved to at least think about the choices I was making. We spent the weekend out of town visiting family, and to my utter surprise, I made much better choices. Simple because I thought about what I was doing before stuffing something in my mouth. It was empowering.

I've managed to lose 5 pounds since the beginning of the year. It's not exactly the miraculously melting pounds that I dreamt of, but I think it's probably better than that. These have been small changes, things that make me feel better instead of more desperate for food.

Bad Choices

Well I suppose it's obvious that I haven't been doing so well with the weight loss. Because if I was having success, I'd be writing about it! Which is really the whole point of the weight loss blog, right? We hope to make better choices because we have to record what those choices are for the whole world to see.

Success and Motivation

I had a little success - yeah, me! I followed a workout schedule I found in Women's Health for an entire week (I did miss one strength workout). The best part is that without counting calories, I managed to drop a pound. Of course now I haven't worked out for 2 days, and I have a cold. Of course 2 days is really nothing. If I were a coach, I'd tell myself that 2 days is more of a mini break than a total break down. Back in the saddle today...

I find that one of the best motivators for me is shopping. I love cute clothes, but I find my figure and my size limit my options. I don't feel comfortable in many of the outfits I'd like to wear, and I can't even shop at some of the stores I used to frequent because they don't carry my size. As a bridesmaid in the April wedding, I don't have to worry about what I'm wearing to the ceremony, but it would be nice to wear something super wonderful for the rehersal dinner. I think I may need a few minutes of drooling over Anthropologie dresses to get myself fully motivated...

Motivation Issues

I forgot to wear my pedometer today. There it sits on my nightstand, all cleared from yesterday's measly 7000 steps, ready to go.

I did do a little shopping today. It made me think that maybe I should set up a reward system for myself, something to further motivate me to keep eating well and exercising when I don't really feel like it. I mean really, what's more motivating than the prospect of a new pair of great shoes?

Already Off

The day before yesterday I “fell off the wagon”. I got just over 3000 steps and ate whatever I wanted without recording a bite of it. I managed to get over 14000 steps yesterday (it's amazing how many steps it takes to run a few errands), but the eating was still a bit off.

I suppose as far as bad days go, it hasn't been that bad. I had a cashew butter and jelly sandwich...without measuring the cashew butter, and last night I had 3 chicken wings that I wasn't hungry for. Horror of horrors! I would like to focus on getting back on track though instead of deciding to just give up like I usually do.

I am a Binge Eater

I’m a binge eater. I’ve been lucky most of my life. I could binge and not put on weight. Until recently I’ve been a normal weight even if I’ve never really been thin. I’ve never had to work very hard to hide my binging. I just said I loved food and had a great metabolism and proceeded to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

A few months ago I started taking 5-HTP to help with my depression (tired of upping the Zoloft dosage and the resulting side effects). It helped the binge eating quite a bit. I would plan a binge, and then decide to do something else. It was a bit bizarre. But I managed to not gain any weight over the holidays, and it may have broken my addiction to sweets – I took a bite out of cupcake today, decided I didn’t want it, and Threw It Away!

87 Days to Wedding

Made 11508 steps yesterday and I'm already over 10000 for today.

I’ve been wearing a pedometer since before Christmas. I wanted to get a baseline for how active I am and also encourage myself to increase my activity. It’s worked pretty well. My dog and I both have gotten more exercise in the last few weeks. Up until this last week anyway.

That “21 days to a new habit” is crap. I can usually make it until day 30 or so, and then I just quit. Being more active makes me feel better, makes me sleep better, gives me glimpses of the lovely legs I have hiding underneath the pudge. It’s like I want to be unhappy.

So today I commit to getting 10,000 steps a day for the next week.

I’m also going to start counting calories because all the activity in the world is not going to offset too much food.

Day One of Infinity

In 13 weeks I’ll be wearing a bridesmaid’s dress in my cousin’s wedding. There will be pictures. I’ll be expected to smile and act like I’m having a good time.

I am afraid that I will be cringing and hoping that somehow the images of me in all the pictures will be mysteriously blurry. Because I feel fat. It doesn’t help that the bride and her sisters are all tiny. I don’t want to look like some hulking ugly fairy godmother hovering in the back.

I was asked to be in the wedding in November or December, but I haven’t done a thing my weight yet. I did manage to not gain any weight over the holidays. And I have worked out a few times a week in the last 3 weeks. It’s not enough. I know that.

I’ve been carrying this weight for almost 3 years. I’ve been complaining about it and starting and stopping exercise and diet programs every other month or so. I’m beginning to doubt my ability to make the fundamental changes needed. Actually, I’ve always doubted it.

As I see it, I have only two options if I don’t want to miserable at that wedding. I can lose some weight or I can decide to like who I am with it. It sounds so simple, so overwhelming.