Improvising Some More

Well despite my prediction that I wouldn't post for another four years, it seems I found my way back here after three years and nine months. And I'm not 20 pounds heavier, just 15. I am a champion!

A Kick-Me-In-The-Pants Dream

I had a dream after my last post that had me scratching my head for awhile. Of course once I started writing about it, it all seemed to make sense. You'd think I'd learn to skip the drama and just write, but then I suppose that's why I often see myself as constantly improvising! You can read about the details of the dream here, if you're interested. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it - other people's dreams can be such a drag.

I successfully lost weight over a decade ago. I'd always been on the heavy side of normal, but after college I moved in with my boyfriend, T, who was a fabulous cook, and gained lots of weight. Probably had something to do with moving away from home and becoming an adult with a huge helping of depression throw in too. But I got into therapy, decided to start liking myself (oh look! another lesson I seem to have forgotten along the way!), and slowly took off the weight. I looked and felt better than I ever had.

T and I got married and moved to another town, which in hindsight was probably more stress than my few months in therapy had really prepared me for. At the time it just felt like I was losing my mind. I left T and promptly went to work keeping the weight off by starting to run and drinking my dinners. When I went back to therapy my weight crept up a little, but it seemed to be in a healthy way. Then T took his own life a few weeks before our divorce would have been final.

I didn't care about my weight continuing to creep up in the next year or so. Well, I cared, but I also realized that working through my grief was my priority. Over 13 years have passed since I was widowed. I met and married a wonderful man. I had two children. Still my weight continues to creep up.

And then I had this dream.

For all these years my guilt has literally been weighing me down. And I think it's time to start forgiving myself, time to start letting go.

Beating My Head Against A Wall

Wow. At this rate I won't post again for 4 years. And I'll have added another 20 pounds by then!

So what's changed?

I quit that round with Weight Watchers pretty quickly. I've continued to slowly gain weight. I've started exercise programs and quit them all dozens of times. I've learned to completely ignore certain parts of my body when looking in the mirror. I had a health scare and have struggled with getting the medications correct for managing my depression symptoms.

And 3 months ago, my family moved to another state.

I was hoping the move would have a bigger impact on my health than it has. We moved to Oregon, and everyone here seems pretty obsessive about being outside and being healthy. We literally live across the street from a park so I started walking the dogs. It seemed perfect - my 4 year old could be on the playground while I did a few laps around the walking path. And it was great until the 4 year old decided it wasn't. And it turns out that my Jack Russel terrier is a pain when there are other dogs around. And then my husband's new work schedule returns him home later than before, and he shorted out the elliptical's control board by using the wrong plug, and blah, blah, blah.

I am full of excuses.

So now what?

Don't I Know You From Somewhere?

Almost a year. And nothing changed.

Oh, wait! We bought an elliptical trainer for the house instead of joining a gym. And I use it at least a few times a week.

So I joined Weight Watchers again 2 weeks ago. Just the on-line version because really? Sitting in a room full of other people repeating the same crap that's been running in my head all week? Not my idea of support. Or fun. Or useful.

I mostly wanted to use the food diary and weight tracker. Which I can do for free at other sites. But where's the motivation when it's free?

So I've filled out the food diary exactly 4 times. In two weeks. Because I'm smart like that.

I'm in a pissy ass mood about the whole thing. Can you tell?

Back Again. Really.

Nothing like taking an 17 month break! Most of that involved my pregnancy (which went swimmingly) and adjusting to life with two energy filled boys. Well, they're energy filled; I'm exhausted.

While I did stick to gaining less weight with this second pregnancy (aided by 5 months of morning, noon, and night sickness), I've managed to continue putting on weight since then. It's more than a little disheartening that I was in my prepregnancy clothes 2 weeks after giving birth but am currently back in my maternity clothes. Ug.

So I bought a new pedometer yesterday. I have plans to visit some gyms over the next week and figure out if we can afford adding that expense to our budget. I might even check out some on-line diet programs. Have I mentioned, ug?

Well I have all new reasons to make healthier choices now that I'm pregnant again. I've struggled with my weight so much since Q's birth that I know I'll be happier if I manage my weight better this time around. Last time I used being pregnant as an excuse to binge freely. I only gained 37 pounds, not totally awful. But since I'm starting about 15 pounds heavier, I'll probably be healthier and happier if I don't repeat the behavior.

Better Choices

After beating myself during the last post, I resolved to at least think about the choices I was making. We spent the weekend out of town visiting family, and to my utter surprise, I made much better choices. Simple because I thought about what I was doing before stuffing something in my mouth. It was empowering.

I've managed to lose 5 pounds since the beginning of the year. It's not exactly the miraculously melting pounds that I dreamt of, but I think it's probably better than that. These have been small changes, things that make me feel better instead of more desperate for food.